I know you have found my blog even though you never comment. I see it in my Google search referrals every day: “miscarriage quotes.” Well I am writing to you today because there are a few things I want you to know.
It’s been thirteen months since my miscarriage and it still hurts.
But it doesn’t hurt all the time.
The darkness will recede.
It may not happen right away but each day you will wake up, feed, and clothe yourself. Each day will be just a little less black than the day before. Your forced smiles will become real ones. You will laugh again. Maybe not soon, but you will.
You will forgive God.
You will forgive everyone and everything else you will blame at one point or another–even if the blame forever remains unvoiced.
One day, you will even forgive yourself.
You will stop wondering if you rested enough, rested too much, ate too much junk food or restricted yourself too much, if things would have been different if you exercised more or exercised less. You will stop replaying every situation that caused you stress during your short, unfinished pregnancy and wondering if a different reaction would have kept you from miscarrying.
You will accept that it was out of your control. Because it was.
I think about where I am today versus where I was this time last year and I am happy again. It didn’t come suddenly but was a long drawn out process that finally occurred to me as I was getting ready to work out one day last week.
I finally forgave the one irrational and vague target for my blame that lingered still long after all the others were put to bed.
I was angry at “being healthy and fit” for over a year. In my unacknowledged anger, I had eaten poorly and refused to exercise. Yes it makes no sense but it doesn’t make it any less true. I was exceptionally healthy when we unexpectedly conceived. I was running every day and loved weight training with my home set up. I felt great and in the prime of my life. Even though I was over 35, I felt healthier than I had at 25. Losing the baby when I was at the peak of health was a betrayal I couldn’t fathom. It was so unfair.
One year and almost 20 pounds heavier I am fighting my way back to healthy. I don’t regret the year of indolence because it was the time I needed.
Take the time you need to grieve but know this….
You are not alone. When you are ready to talk to others of your pain, you will find that there are many of us walking this path. Many of us who have faced this pain and know that there are no words that can make it go away. We are here when you are ready to talk. Miscarriage is not spoken of and not often advertised but so many of us have experienced it. I write to you today because I just want you to know that we are here. Many of us.
All my love,
Herchel
PS. If you are like me, you may find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. My friend Becky of Your Modern Family is one of the authors of a new ebook titled Blessings Through Raindrops–Stories of Hope after Loss. I believe in sharing in this experience and bringing miscarriage out of the shadows so I have chosen to become an affiliate for the ebook.
You may also find comfort in these quotes.
Here are more miscarriage quotes (and a printable) to share with a grieving mom.
Barbara Trout says
Hello,
I lost my baby last Thursday I was 9 weeks I heard the heart beat the following week everything was perfect then went again n no heart beat I was heart broken it was my first pregnancy I keep thinking I did something wrong to make my baby gone but everyone said I didn’t do anything wrong. Just hurts so much we been trying for one for a year and we finally got pregnant but this happened. My sister brought me this notebook to write to my baby in heaven it has been helping. I know my baby is looking down on me and once I have a rainbow baby I know my first baby will look over that baby n us.
Thank you, your article is very helpful ❤️
Angie says
I had read many blogs in the last couple of days but yours really hit the spot. I lost my son Elias on 10/30/20 at 17 weeks. I’m sad, angry, and feel guilty. I cry all the time when I think about what could have been. Most of the people I know basically see a miscarriage as something not important and tell me that I can have more kids. That makes it hurt even more. But after reading this blog I feel hope. Thank you for your words.
Herchel Scruggs says
Hi Angie, I am so sorry that I just saw this note. Please know that I am praying for you and thinking about you. October is always a difficult month for me and 2020 has been worse. I rarely even pull up social media or check my blog in October other than to post my yearly Miscarriage awareness message on the 15th.
This year, my best friend miscarried on the anniversary of my first miscarriage. Anyone who tells you that miscarrying is not important, likely hasn’t experienced one. Love, Herchel
Merlisa says
Hi Angie.
I lost my baby boy at 18 weeks on 23 December, 2020.. It is the worse pain and trauma ever. Only people who understand are those who went through this horrible ordeal.
Maritz says
Wow it’s all true yes I’m still sad and blame God bcz we prayed so hard
Debbie Soushek says
This is spot on! I lost 3 precious babies. The grief was overwhelming at times but I came out the other side of that grief each time. Thank you for this blog and this platform for those of us that “get it” and can walk alongside the hurting. It’s a life line!
Monika says
Thank you for your post. had a miscarriage 9/28… I was 19w2d. I could see her face, hold her, see how healthy she was. My body betrayded me with, what the Drs called, incompetent cervix. Thank you again. It was my first pregnancy through IVF. My daughter Ana Helena will be with in my thoughts forever.
Herchel Scruggs says
Monika, I am so sorry for your loss. Remember that you are not alone.
Marissa Khosh | MamaRissa.com says
Thank you for being so open about your struggles following your miscarriage. It is such a painful thing to go through and so hard to make sense of it.
I miscarried almost three years ago (read my miscarriage story here: https://mamarissa.com/my-beginning-of-motherhood-miscarriage/) and I still struggle with it, even after having a healthy baby.
I have also experienced quite a bit of healing. But the pain does not end with the presence of another child or the passing of time.
I recently wrote a post on how women grieve miscarriage and preserve their babies’ memories. You can read that post here: https://mamarissa.com/how-to-process-miscarriage-grief-and-preserve-babys-memory-from-mamas-whove-been-there/
As painful as it is, none of us is alone. So many women have gone through this and understand. Sharing openly is so helpful.
Tara says
Thank you for writing this. I’m just in the first few days of this and I’m sure I will reread many times on this journey.
Herchel says
Hugs.
Cindy says
On November 9th 2020 I was going in for a Anatomy Scan , I was 6 1/2 months pregnant and all my test were great , good health no problems. This appt was suppose to be exciting and ended up being my worst nightmare. We found out our baby girl had no heart beat . We had to induced and deliver her , this was not what anyone ever thinks will happen to deliver my little girl knowing I would not hear her cry at delivery and that she wasn’t coming home with us .
We’re so lost, so broken as we had been doing fertility for 4 years and had already had 1 miscarriage at 8wks . The pain is understandable. Thank you for listening and advice .
Herchel Scruggs says
Cindy, I don’t check my comments often. “Sorry for your loss” is inadequate. This blog post was originally written a year after my first miscarriage and a few years before my second and third.
My cousin went through a similar situation late in her second pregnancy and had to also induce and deliver. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Fear of another loss is why I have a calendar with possible IVF dates on it. All I have to do is call his office and say I’m ready to start the birth control pill regiment.
While every person has a different experience and it took my cousin a long time to try again (years), she did eventually conceive and carry to term. She spent that entire pregnancy on the strictest bed rest and told me that she was terrified the entire time. She has a daughter that is in her late twenties now and a son that is in middle school. So she is proof that hope is not lost. Thank you for sharing your story with me. You aren’t alone. With love, Herchel
Christine Magat says
10 years ago, we had a miscarriage and the hurt and sadness is nowhere near what we experienced again 2 months ago, more because we have been trying for years and when the time finally came, we suffered another loss but this time with two. So many things run though my mind on the what if’s and the shoulda coulda wouldas and how there’s no one that I know personally has gone through what we have gone through and the most aggravating part that people always say, “everything happens for a reason”, or “you’re still young, it will happen” people don’t really know until it happens to them…..thank you for this posting ate’ herchel.
Herchel says
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Those things will always run through your mind but it will get easier. I’ve miscarried twice this year and both times it hurt. Feel free to email me at any time if you just need someone to talk to. A miscarriage can make you feel so alone and I just want you to know that you aren’t alone. <3
Kate says
Thank you for this, it helps. I am currently struggling through a miscarriage. It was my first pregnancy. So many things have been running through my mind, like how I didnt allow myself to be happy because I was afraid this would happen…so did I make it happen with my mind? I know that’s illogical. Or the fact that I excercised too hard the day I started bleeding. So many things run through my mind, everyone and everything (even me) tells me there was nothing I did, but it just doesnt make sense. I am still young and healthy. And what’s worse is the event has been going on for days, and I just want it over. Which makes me feel the most guilty of all.
Herchel says
Those “illogical” thoughts are normal. I struggled with being angry at “fitness” which was completely illogical. I was in great shape when I miscarried. The fact that I miscarried made me angry at my body for failing me when I thought it would be at it’s best. Don’t feel guilty for wanting closure. I actually chose the D&C because I could not handle a week long event and keep it together (as much as I could) for my kids. I’m thinking of you. Hugs, Herchel
Adriana says
I miscarried about 8 days ago. My sister sent me this link. It was my first. I’m broken. Heart broken doesn’t do it justice. I feel betrayed by my body, utterly debased for the life I already dreamed my child would have. The pain and emptiness are unbearable. Thank you for your words. It seems like it’ll never get better. Part of me doesn’t want it to. I don’t want to move on. Don’t want to learn how to deal with it. I feel empty. When just a week ago I had a baby in me. Your words bring hope in a time when I’m too weak to hope. So thank you.
Herchel says
My thoughts and prayers are with you Adriana. I couldn’t have gotten through it without my sister so I am glad you have your sister’s support. Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk.
Abigail says
My heart breaks for you! I’m terribly sorry that you have to expierence this heart breaking, dream stealing, nightmare. I miscarried almost 3 prior to my 2nd ultrasound
I was almost 10 weeks&headed to my ob-gyn for a routine ultrasound. I was excited to hear the heart beat for the 1st time&see how much the baby jqd grown.. I had no imclining that my world was about to crumble. At my 1st ultra sound the Dr dated the pregnancy at 6 weeks 2 days. 3 days ago when I went in for my second ultrasound. Right away I could tell by the Dr.s face something wasn’t right. She informed me she was 99% sure I miscarried at 6 weeks 4 days, 2 days after the 1st ultrasound and that my body just didn’t realize it yet. Hence no cramping, bleeding,& continued pregnancy symptoms like tender breasts&frequent urination. What toture to realize that your baby has been gone for some time yet your still expierencing pregnancy symptoms. My body still hasnt naturally taken care of it so I’m now faced with choosing a medical option to complete the processs of spontaneous miscarriage. My pregnancy wasn’t planned&was definitely a shock but once I processed it, I was excited and wanted this baby so much. The dad was getting used to the idea, he was picking out names& we were planning for the nursery. I wondered if he/she would take after me or the its dad? Who would he/she grow up to be? What type of personality would he/she would grow into? So many dreams and hopes dashed in literally a split second, As soon as those terrible words were uttered..I’m sorry but there’s no heartbeat and the embryo ceased growing at 6 weeks, 4 days. My world crumbled, my heart felt like it would pound out of my chest& all I wanted to do was to get out of that office&to my car as soon as I could to cry. I didnt just cry, I wailed. Wails that came from the very pit of my soul..Wails from the bottom of my broken heart that only a mother who has lost a child, at any age or circumstance, can understand and appreciate. I am early in my grief process. It’s not easy and it sneaks up on me sometimes. We plan to try again but I’m terrified because I can’t imagine putting my self or my husband through this again. The only reason justifiable to me is that I may just conceive&carry the next child to term. To all the mothers who have lost children. There is no normal when it comes to grief. Grieve at your place and don’t be ashamed to talk about it. If any one has any advice on how to deal with the pain of losing a child, please share.
Jenn W says
This post made me feel better. I’ve just come to terms with my second early miscarriage and every time I see a child, especially my best friends baby who would have been size months older than mine, I still think what would it be like. I think of everything I have missed and will miss. It’s been almost two years since my first miscarriage and it still hurts some days. I blamed myself and my thyroid problem, but I didn’t know about it at the time. now, I’ve almost forgiven myself, because there was nothing I could’ve done to help my baby. I feel like a failure for saying it, but it needs to be said.
Herchel says
You are not a failure for saying it. I often feel the same way. My sister in law got pregnant days after I miscarried. It is hard sometimes when I think of how close in age our babies could have been.
Sarah @ 2paws Designs says
Beautifully written. I think often that is what we most need to hear after a miscarriage – it will get better and it is okay to grieve. You have to let yourself go through the motions to find the path to the other side. It’s been almost 2 years since my 2nd miscarriage and I have a sweet 6mo daughter sleeping as I write this that wouldn’t be here if either of those two angels had been. The pain is gone, but I’ll never forget them. They are both on my mind daily.
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Heather @ Divas Run for Bling says
Thanks for sharing 🙂 I have pinned this to the Bloggers Brags Pinterest Board
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Rabia @TheLiebers says
Thank you for this Herchel. I hope that the people who need to read this will find it and be comforted.
Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…Need Some Help Surviving the Holidays?
Mrs. AOK says
Beautiful post, Herchel. I love that you poured your heart out, for others. Sometimes, we can find comfort in another’s words. You’re comforted many, I’m sure.
XOXO
Mrs. AOK recently posted…A Story of Holiday Kindness #RAoK #NaBloPoMo
Herchel says
Thank you, Dean. I hope so. If just one person is comforted then it was worth it.
Meg says
Thank you, Herchel!
Please count me as one among the many people I’m sure were comforted by this post. I just recently went through a heartbreaking and extremely complicated and dangerous miscarriage. I finally had the life saving surgical procedures to stop the internal bleeding from the complications that were incited by my severe endometriosis & prevented my baby to have a natural miscarriage. I took a full month to find a practice willing to take on the risk of my case. My baby was just shy of 3 months and the fetus was fully intact as my uterus filled with a tremendous amount of hematomas/blood clots which we hemorrhaging/bleeding out so rapidly that I could barely sit or stand up. The physical pain was the worst I have ever experience, however I am a recovering alcoholic and had celebrated my 3 years sobriety anniversary two days before the miscarriage began. So other than the general anesthesia, I made a choice to opt out of the Morphine and various strong painkillers that the Drs were practically begging me to take. My wonderful boyfriend is also a sober member of AA and was a pillar of love and support along with my amazing Sponsor, who helped me overcome physical pain like I had never thought possible. As for the emotional pain…well thats finally starting to sink in. It comes in waves…tidal waves sometimes. One thing I have learned through the program of AA is to be open and accepting and able to sit with my emotions and let them fully pass instead of looking for a quick fix to numb the painful emotions with a drink or a painkiller. As I write, I realize I am perhaps putting on a good face/ attempting to appear to have it more together than I really do. And I think that is because until I found this forum, I’ve had the impression that no one really wants to hear the brutal truth about a miscarriage. They want a nice concise PR type statement from you so that whatever role they play in my life can get back to normal(as it was pre-miscarriage). And I say this with no judgement. I’d rather close the book on this chapter and move forward pretending nothing has changed, that I have not just spent two months in the bloody, harrowing trenches battling medical institutions and Insurance companies 24 hours a day while carrying the fully intact fetus of my dead baby as I fought stone cold sober for my life. But I’ve ignored and stuffed trauma in my past, in a dysfunctional coping mechanism. Only to have that traume resurface and manifest in far worse tangible circumstances. So this time I’m trying to acknowledge my suffering, learn what lessons and gifts are available to me if I can shift my perspective of the experience away from victimhood, and then ultimately let it go, rather than let it define who I am. During the very worst weeks I couldn’t imagine that there would ever be a day where I did not wake up in the same nightmare of physical and emotional pain and have to begin the days work of advocating for myself at every medical facility and practice in Los Angeles. But its been one month and 9 days since I finally underwent major surgery. And though I wake up somedays in pain and other days feeling depressed, I am so far away from that resigned state of purgatory I thought I had been sentenced to for life.
I can’t tell you how much hope and and a sense of comfort your post gave me. We have never met, but we understand each other – and that means the world to myself & my recovery. I send you light, love, and gratitude. -Meg 30yrs old, no children.
Herchel says
Meg, there are no words to describe what your words mean to me. I am thinking of you and if you ever need to vent or talk do not hesitate to reach out to me. Love, Herchel
Kim says
Great post. Before I had my daughter, I had 4 miscarriages. I had my most recent one last September; we’re trying for baby #2. None of it is easy no matter how many times you go through it. I appreciate posts like this because it lets other people going through this know they’re not alone.
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Herchel says
I am so sorry for your losses kim. We are also trying for more but I worry too. My miscarriage was the loneliest experience in my life and it makes me sad to think that someone out there is probably going through it right this second.
Kim says
Thank you!
AwesomelyOZ says
I’m so sorry for your loss Herchel – no words can make it better but happy to hear you’re doing better and slowly forgiving yourself and others for what you couldn’t control. Things happen and sadly, some are truly devastating. Hope you do better each day and find peace with things at some point.. Happy Hump Day! -Iva
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Shell says
What a beautiful message of hope and understanding. xo
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Echo says
An amazingly touching post, Herchel. It never goes away, but it does recede. Most of the time, I try not to think about it now and just think about how lucky I am to have the two amazing children that I do have. I try to remember, that for some reason, it was meant for them to be in my life. That I needed these 2 specific kids! Thank you for sharing, my friend!
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Kimberly says
This is so beautiful.
I was blessed to have had one healthy pregnancy and that’s all that I’ll be lucky to have. I hope that moms who have lost a beautiful babe see this and find comfort in your words. This is powerful. Sending so much love and strength to those who have been or who are going through such a nightmare as this. xoxo
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Herchel says
Thank you so much kimberly!
Rena McDaniel says
What a wonderful thing to do for someone. I hope she sees this.
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Kristi Campbell says
Yes, the pain does eventually become more and more manageable. Some days, I even almost forget to remember any longer which is weird and guilty but also, I suppose, the way it’s supposed to be. Beautiful post.
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Herchel says
Thank you Kristi. I feel that flash of guilt too. I even feel guilty sometimes because I am happy!
Savanna says
This made me cry. I had 3 miscarriages before I finally had a viable pregnancy… I still think ‘What if?’ at times… I think that baby would be 6 now, I wonder who they would be. The pain fades over time, but I still wonder. I am thankful that I was able to have 2 little girls. I am unable to have anymore because the risks would be too high, but I am blessed that after all my grief God still blessed me.
This is a great post.
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Herchel says
Thank you Savanna. Big hug for your loss and you are blessed!
Tiffany says
I had 2 miscarriages in 2018. I miss my babies sobmuch everyday. I never got to see them on an ultrasound or hear their heart beat. But i know they were there for a short time. Im blessed to have had 6 wonderful babies and hope god blesses me with one more blessing in the future. Im only 31 years old and reading that made me cry thinking of my angel babies. I never even got to know thebsex of my babies which i think were both girls. I love my angel babies so much and wish i could hold them. ???
Failatu says
I just had two miscarriages this year alone and I’m heartbroken this has really brought me pain and misery, As if my soul has been rib off from my heart.
Herchel says
I am so sorry. Thinking of you. I had two last year. You will get through it <3