A bit more time

 

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I have had a love affair with books my entire life.   There was nothing that I enjoyed more than escaping into another world through the pages of a book.  I knew “Winter was coming” years (maybe a decade?) before Game of Thrones debuted on HBO.

When my nose was not immersed in a book, I escaped into worlds that I built in my own mind.  Worlds that I felt needed to flow onto paper.  When adults asked me what I want to be when I ‘grow up” the answer was always “a writer.”

I spent the summer between ninth and tenth grades, closeted in my bedroom with my old Apple IIC (yes I am that old) writing my first book.  I wrote hundreds of pages for that first draft.  I barely slept.

Then the unthinkable happened.

The computer ate the floppy disk I was saving my book on.  My Dad brought it to a computer repair shop.  We got it back and I popped in my only back up disk…but the computer was still hungry.  That disk turned out to be his last meal.

There have been only a few times when I have felt utter desolation and that was the first.  My parent’s separation the year before didn’t hurt me as much as losing that book did.  In fact, I refused to start another book.

Twenty years later, rising from the only event in my life more crushing than losing the book—the loss of a pregnancy, I feel the need to write again.  I don’t know if I will start another book but I can feel the words straining against the walls of my mind wanting out.

Part of me has been lost in the details of life, and I didn’t even realize it until I started sitting down and writing again.  I’ve read about Moms “losing themselves” when they became parents.  I think people lose themselves, not when they become parents, but when they allow the daily grind to become everything to them.

I know that I didn’t lose myself when I had children.  I found a stronger me that could love beyond measure.  I found a “me” that will forgo sleep so that I can comfort a sick child.

Pea has wanted to be a librarian since she was three years old and learned of them in daycare.  Pork Chop loves to bake cookies (and eat them) with me so has always answered, “cookie maker” when posed the popular question.

It has been a while since we have talked about future professions, so I posed the question today.  Pea answer, “I want to be a Mommy that stays home and takes care of her family because that is an important job.”  When I told her that she could be that and also anything else she wanted, she told me she will need to think about it some more.

I told her that’s okay.  You have plenty of time to decide.

When I asked her brother, he wasn’t sure.  Pea the Parrot told him that it’s okay because he has plenty of time.

When I was younger I thought I had to get started on my dream career while I still had time.  I am not so young now and life is not so hurried.  It’s been a winding path but here I am.  So I tell my kids, they have plenty of time and hopefully they will not completely give up on their hopes and dreams like so many others do when their path is derailed by life.  Besides, they are only 5 and 6 years old.  They really do have a bit more time.