Have you ever listened to an argument debating nature vs. nurture? They get heated! You might have even vehemently argued one side over another at some point.
Did you finally have children and found out the answer? It’s both. It’s nature and nurture.
My daughter has it in her to be Regina George (If you didn’t get that reference go watch “Mean Girls!”) and she was born that way. Though she is graced with beauty, determination, strength of will, definite opinions, and an innate ability to manipulate people she was also born with an affectionate, silly, and shy side. She’s a natural mean girl.
Though not generally “mean”, there is no doubt in my mind that she was born to be “a plastic.” (Seriously, you should watch Mean Girls.)
I joke that my job is to teach her to use her powers for good instead of evil. But it’s true, right? Isn’t that my job as a parent? To nudge her towards the light side of the force? To teach her that the things she says to people can be hurtful?
I am not sure how she happened. (No, you don’t have to email me the birds and the bees script.) I mean that I am bewildered that she was born of me. I was far from popular in high school! I was introverted and preferred books to people. My glasses were huge, and my clothes unfashionable. I won the Mythology Bowl in seventh grade. Literally, my team didn’t even try to help. They just let me answer all the questions.
I spent all of high school in marching band. I was the band captain my senior year. The band captain.
How in the world did I spawn a pretty little girl who gets whatever she wants with a strategically placed smile?
She is the leader of a group of pretty, smart, and headstrong girls. Though she can be cutting, especially when anyone calls her the hated “Diapey Pipey” nickname, her friends give as good as they get.
I remember the day she came home and innocently told me that she and her friends didn’t let another little girl play with them because her jacket was blue and they ONLY like pink. It wasn’t even a Wednesday!
I hesitated in shock for a minute. Then I asked her how she would feel if I made her wear a blue jacket tomorrow and her friends wouldn’t speak to her.
We discussed how everyone likes different things and colors. Loving pink is no longer a requirement among her group of friends. But I can’t help but think about that day and worry that I am not doing enough to instill the proper values in my children.
You see, my mean girl has many fears. She is terrified of large crowds, bugs, strange places, strange people, train tracks, the dark, needles, standing in front of people…you name it.
When in her element she is the queen bee. When she is taken from it, she curls into her Mommy’s arms and hides her face. How such anxiety and extreme confidence both reside in one small body, I cannot fathom.
I read posts about bullying and how to help your daughter deal with mean girls. I read posts written by women who clearly have felt the cutting edge of a mean girl’s tongue. I know that the memories hurt. I still remember the mean girl that wouldn’t let me sit at her breakfast table in the cafeteria when I was a new freshman. She announced to the others, with the ugliest expression on her perfect little face, that she saw the outfit I was wearing at ”
I know that the memories hurt. I still remember the mean girl that wouldn’t let me sit at her breakfast table in the cafeteria when I was a freshman. She announced to the others, with the ugliest expression on her perfect little face, that she saw the outfit I was wearing at “Kmart.” Nevermind that my family had just lost our home and all our belongings in Hurricane Andrew the week before and that my single dad was doing the best he could with two teenage girls and a young son who missed their home and their mother. (
Nevermind that my family had just lost our home and all our belongings in Hurricane Andrew the week before and that my single dad was doing the best he could with two teenage girls and a young son who missed their home and their mother. (Twenty-something years later and now I wonder what her perfect little self was doing in Kmart in the first place?)
Am I the only mother that recognizes the trait in my daughter?
Granted, it is pretty rare that the mean girl rears her ugly head. I do not tolerate rude and nasty behavior towards others in my presence. I am just not always present…or she doesn’t realize I am and I catch her.
Do the mean tween girls have mean girl moms that don’t realize that their little girls are bullies? I hope that recognizing the trait means that I have a better chance of nipping it in the bud.
In reality, these type A girls do eventually grow up to be successful, driven women. I don’t want to curb her self-confidence. I just want her to be confident and kind. It’s tough raising such a strong willed girl!
Am I the only one that is working hard to keep my girl from going mean?
Jennifer Tammy says
Love this. I`ve always been very open and honest that my daughter has these tendencies – truly, I think if we were all honest, we all have a bit of `mean girl`in us, depending on context.
It`s been a struggle to figure out why it occurs, but I mostly think it`s because she`s advanced and when she gets bored, she decides to get bossy. I love that she is determined and motivated, and not likely to have others dominate her, but it`s a delicate balance teaching her to use her natural strengths to be a graceful leader instead of a bossy bully.
I think when it comes to girls, parents are happy to see their child be strong – esp if they were bullied themselves. I had a mom in my daycare have to hide a smile when I told her about her son starting a fight with a (I hate to say it) cuter, smarter, more affluent child. You could tell that she was projecting her own insecurities into their relationship, and I’m sure in her mind her son was just a Robin Hood-type figure, fighting against all the “wrong” things this other child stood for, and not a bully.
I will add though, that there can be a bit of a gender stereotype with this — in university, the way that the men often spoke to women, well if a woman talked the same way she`d be easily labeled a mean girl! (obviously not the Regina George-style comments, but more domineering, critical comments.)
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Herchel says
It’s a slippery slope, for sure. I don’t want to dampen her natural ambition! I know I’ve had my mean girl moments and I was a complete nerd in school!
Jenna says
My daughter is a mean girl as well. While I was decently popular in school it is because I was a very nice girl who accepted everyone as is and wanted to help anyone possible. How I ended up with a bossy and just plan mean (at times) daughter is beyond me. She easily commands children at least twice her age. She is surly a special girl.
I also see in her tons of positive attributes. She is highly intelligent….very creative and loving to those close to her. My child has 5 or more totally different laughs and they all would make basically anyone smile. She just knows what she wants and isnt scared to demand it.
When obtaining my psychology degree I learned that this trait is sometimes a sign of extreme intelligence. They just know they are smarter than everyone else *shrugs* lol
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Herchel says
Her cousins have called my daughter the “criminal mastermind” since she was two years old! I joke all the time about how we are raising her to use her powers for good. There is a small set of girls in my extended family that all have the same traits. The older ones are all successful. It’s just a matter of teaching them the value of kindness and right from wrong.
Marilyn says
We just got through that same thing. Why is it THREE immediately becomes two against one? Thanks for sharing.
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Echo says
You hit the nail on the head! I am still trying to figure out how I created a beautiful, blond haired, diva with an attitude to match. I may not have been in band but Drama club is close enough and yes, I could have won a mythology bowl, LOL! I adore you, Herchel and we will have to talk each other through this!
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Kim Smith says
Such an awesome article. Great read for any Mom. And I think it equally applies to boys too. You have a lot of comments here but needs more exposure. I will share too!
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Herchel says
When I originally published this post, my photos were horrible! I was reminded of this post by something my daughter did this weekend so I came back to it and “fixed” it. Re-reading it reminded me why I originally started blogging. Thank you for sharing, Kim!
Nicole says
LOVE THIS!! Thank you for being so honest! I adore this post. Great job Mama! Sounds like your little girl is very blessed to have you!!
Herchel says
Thank you Nicole! She brings me so much joy and worry every day but life wouldn’t be the same without her.
Kristen says
That’s so amazing that you’ve recognized it and working with her. And no you are not alone…my daughter has a mean streak too. Love this post…sharing it on many platforms today.
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Heather @GeminiRed Creations says
I think many of us can be a little bit bully and a little bit shy. Sometimes I need to keep myself in control so I don’t end up as the “mean girl”. Keep up the good work and I bet you raise a well-rounded girl! Thanks for sharing on #throwbackthursdaylinkup
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Angel says
I have two fears in life…1.) Raising a bully and 2.) Raising a child that has to deal with bullying. I hope and pray every day that my children won’t be mean to another person and know that eventually that will happen. I hope I can deal with it in the same manner as you have with a conversation and education. Thank you for joining in at #throwbackthursday !
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Shannon says
I wouldn’t worry too much that your little “mean girl”will actually end up being a mean girl! Sounds like you are doing a great job of being there to talk to and to guide her as she learns. It’s a learning process and she is finding her way. Great post!
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Herchel says
Thank you Shannon 🙂 I try to be an example and reinforce positive behavior.
Katelyn F says
Wow! What an interesting post (and daughter for that matter). Aren’t kids so interesting? I see a lot of bossy traits in both of my 3yo twins at time. They certainly seem to be just fine telling each other off, their friends, and tattling to mom. But, I also think they are understanding right and wrong choices. I think you are doing a good job from the sounds of it so far. Don’t be discouraged. Teach her what is right and wrong at home, and you won’t have to worry as much when you aren’t there.
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Rachel says
My daughter is only three, but I worry about this as she gets older…Thanks for linking up to the Bloggers Brags Pinterest Party. I have pinned your post to the Bloggers Brags Pinterest Board.
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Mo says
This is very well written and you have some very valid fears. I talk about nature vs. nurture all the time. Sometimes, I think they are just born to be who they are no matter how hard we try. I think your daughter will be just fine. I would much rather have a leader than a follower any old day, I’m sure that attitude will take her places. You are doing a great job! I come from a childhood where I was the nerdy, homemade gaucho-wearing, shy and introverted kid. My 15 year old daughter is super-confident and has tons of friends, so, like you, I’m not sure how she came from me. For the most part, she is sweet and nice and everyone seems to love her. But sometimes she does come home and will talk about a rumor going around or say something snide about someone. It’s very hard to not sound like we are nagging, but I always try to get the point across about how mean rumors are and to always try to see how it would feel to be in their shoes. It’s a constant struggle, raising people. Isn’t it?
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Herchel says
It is. Lessons have to be reinforced everyday! I know that preaching and practicing what I preach will eventually take root :). That and praying is what it boils down to.
Emmy says
I am so right there with you!! Band and drama geek myself and my daughter is head strong, confident and totally the leader of the pack. Everyday I struggle with the right way to help her keep her confidence but so importantly remember the importance of kindness and compassion. A lot of my keeping her grounded and kind falls on my religious beliefs that we are all brothers and sisters and all children of God so we need to treat everyone in such a way. I teach and reteach and teach her this again. Thankfully so far it seems to be working, I just know I have to keep on it as I never want her to be the mean girl.
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Herchel says
Yay! I am not alone in this struggle. I try to remind both of my children to treat everyone with kindness and courtesy.
Nina says
Wow kudos to you for recognizing potential mean girl traits in your daughter! I bet a lot of parents wouldn’t even want to admit that their daughter was being a mean girl. And even better that you’re taking a proactive stance on nipping it in the bud. It really takes both sides of the parents to coach their kids on bullying. Teaching her empathy goes a long way!
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Herchel says
I try not to be a parent with blinders on. I think it may come across as pointing out their flaws too much but in reality, I tend to over praise and think they are the best kids ever. I want to raise my kids to treat others the way they want to be treated.
Bhavya says
We all have our mean sides, and I think showing it off sometimes are just normal and healthy 🙂
Kim Miller says
You aren’t the only one. And just for the record, boys can be mean too. I work at it all the time. I admire you for being courageous enough to bring up the subject truthfully and honestly. It sounds like you are doing a great job.
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Jhanis says
I just love this post! Especially that I have a daughter who is as bull headed as I am and loves dominating. I just wish I will know how to handle her when the time comes!
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Adrian says
Great awareness about your daughter. I think your gentle nudges will have an affect on her over time, it certainly will be better than letting her go unchecked. I think it’s important to focus on the positive things about her and try to think highly of her. Children have very sensitive radar and they are very likely to live up to our expectations (or down to them). One thing I did recently for my 15 year old son – I made a list of 25 things I liked or admired about him. I’m always criticizing him and I think we both needed that perspective. The other day, he had had a hard day and I found him taking the list out of his wallet and re-reading it. I was SO glad I had done that for him.
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Michelle says
I remember a few incidents with my daughter in preschool and the preschool teacher telling me it was always the girls with older sisters. Parents need to teach their children about kindness and respect…sure, they are going to make mistakes…but it’s how they learn and grow from those mistakes that makes them into the adults they will become!
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Rabia @TheLiebers says
In my family, it’s not my daughter, but my son. He is the manipulative one who knows which face to put on to get what he wants. He knows what to say to hurt your feelings and how to sneak things behind my back. He also loves tickles and cuddles and tries really hard to get you to smile. He loves making me proud of him and he beams after a “job well done.” That’s the side I am trying to nurture. The other side will always be there, but as you say; it’s a parent’s job to teach kids to use their powers for good and not evil!
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Tiffany says
Great post Herchel! I have had the ‘not my kid’ moments as well as the discussion with my daughters on how not to be that girl…Thanks for sharing!
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Julie says
Wow, this parenting thing is hard, isn’t it? I think, like most of your commenter’s here, that you are already doing everything right, having the conversation, getting her to think about what she’s doing/saying. I do think it’s worth the conversation, thinking they will just follow your example is not enough (in my opinion)
I’ve always said to mine “Is this the kind of a person do you want to be?” . Especially when they first joined facebook and a lot of mean groups are set up that they might join without really thinking about what they are doing.
They mostly make good choices, sometimes not the choice I would make, but it’s a difficult balance. We never ever stop worrying about them, it’s just how it is 🙂
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Karen @TheMissingNiche says
This is a great post. I don’t have girls, I have boys and teaching them not to bully is also a chore. I have one son who is incredibly popular and loved for his kindness and I let him know he should use that power for good as well. Let him be the model and reach out to the kids that are made fun of. My other son is a bit uncouth to say the least, he has no impulse control and describes people as “the fat kid”, “the brown kid” or the “kid with the weird hair”. Since he’s only 8, I have lots of time to retrain him. He isn’t mean, he just sees things as black and white and doesn’t understand why he is being mean when he is “telling the truth”. I think I’ve got a long haul with that one.
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Mrs.AOK says
Great post Mama! I think as much a we want to *only* see the good… sometimes we need to step aside and see the not so pretty, and nip it in the bud. I’m a believer in nuture and nature 🙂
I think you’re nurturing your daughter into a wonderful young woman… keep up the great work Mama!
XOXO
AwesomelyOZ says
I think you’re doing the right thing by nipping it in the butt, Regina George’s arise when there is no nipping and the mother encourages that behavior. It’s a reflection of the parents. Your guidance will help steer her in a direction where she won’t be that rude girl. Nice work and she’ll be fine as long as you stay on top of her which I have no doubt you will! 🙂 Happy Friday Herchel! -Iva
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frelle says
I know what you mean. I have three girls, and the middle one already shows signs of the ability to be a mean girl. I was a band geek, and hated the mean girls. Good for you for recognizing it and doing what you can to teach her how “the other half feels”.
Gracielle says
Great job, momma! It is totally a one-sided conversation where I hear news stories, bloggers, and other moms talk about their child being a victim of bullying; but the parents of children who are the bullies need to take accountability for their kids actions and teach them about kindness, respect, and compassion. Great to catch it while she’s young, too.
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Herchel says
Currently she directs it at me lol. It’s a hard trait to miss. She is generous and sweet 99% of the time. It’s that 1% that worries me. When she’s mean there is no remorse from her.
Shell says
I think if more moms were aware of the possibility that it could be their daughters who turn into the mean girls, there would be less mean girls out there!
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Herchel says
I agree. Girls are a different breed for sure. My son can be active, forgetful, clumsy, (did I mention ACTIVE?) and inattentive but that is far easier than dealing with all the emotional drama with my little girl. I hope I didn’t just jinx myself into have a hard time with Pork Chop this weekend :/
Martha says
I think you hit the nail on the head–we want girls to be confident but also kind, bold but not brash. It seems to me like you’re doing a great job teaching your daughter to not be a mean girl!!
And what on earth WAS that girl doing in Kmart? Food for thought. Stopping by from SITS! 🙂
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Jen says
I am convinced a lot of the differences are gender related. My boys (ages 7 & 8) are laid back, unassuming & easy going. My daughter (age 2) came in to this world “bossy” and opinionated. Although my boys have experienced some social dynamics, it will not surprise me if / when my daughter experiences more of them and at an earlier age.
I agree with harnessing and coaching those traits for good. I think you are right – that has to be done. Have you read “Lean In”? Great book – and it highlights some gender differences and how our society or “norm” is to hush or “shoosh” little girls and their leadership natural tendencies. I’m so glad to read you want to harness them for good instead of suppress them.
Being a beautiful little girl who is a natural leader is a powerful thing – and I love what you are doing to teach her how to use it for positive things.
(Ps – my daughter is intuitively manipulative as well. As much as I hate it, I also love it)
Herchel says
I love and hate it too! How did we end up with daughters that are so different than we are 🙂 My son is far more sensitive and socially easy going. I asked her once if she wanted people to think about her as smart or beautiful. Her response was that only smart people realize how smart she is but everyone can tell she is beautiful! (She was FOUR when she said this!!!)
Stacey Gannett says
Absolutely amazing post! I think that you are working in the right direction, not that your little one will be mean, specifically, but I do think that without guidance peer pressure can lead to some less than positive attitudes. My lil miss has always struggled to have any friends at all and the one place that we thought would fix that, church, seems to bee the worst of all. She has had to deal with physical abuse, psychological abuse and even sexual jokes at her…all from other church kids. Even though we had had meetings with our pastor and youth leader, nobody wants to go against the wealthy tithers, so to protect her we limit her attendance at activities, unless we can be there to watch things.
I think too many parents subscribe to the “not my child” or they are just completely oblivious or don’t care how their children behave…which is a sad state for the next generation of adults. All of my children knew and had some small fear of consequences for their actions, which is another thing that too many children nowadays don’t have. This also includes kindness and helpfulness to others…which mine have been steadily taught from an early age, just as you did for the little girl wearing blue. The best we can offer as parents is guidance. Your little one is still learning and it will take hold with your love and guidance. Hope you are having a great week! 🙂
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Herchel says
Thank you stacy!. I accidently published the post before I was ready so your comment totally confused me for a while. I agree with you that many people wear the “not my kid” blinders. That is why we have such a problem with “normal” kids shocking everyone with their actions.